Five More Minutes…
“Just five more minutes” I repeated to myself about seven times tonight as I lay beside my sweet dear little girl. As she lay here, swept far off into dreamland, I lay here staring, gazing at each beautiful eye lash, her round joyful cheeks, her perfect little pout and saving the best for last; her button nose. I could lay here forever, but that would never be long enough.
This morning when I woke there was nothing that could have prepared me for how this evening would end. Today was a very jam packed day. We were playing baseball and Ez was our faithful cheerleader in the dugout in her stroller with toys and veggie straws. 830-430, a very long day for anyone. It was the first inning of the first game, I was running to second and pulled a muscle. Great, well now I’m out for the day. Try as I may, I just couldn’t get in to the groove of things. As we went through the day, I had discovered that I had also [finally] gotten my visit from a very special lady (it’s been 20 months now). After the games were done, we ventured on to a friend’s graduation party at the Abbotsford Townhall Public House. On the drive I couldn’t help but think about that visitor & I’ve heard that’s the indicator that your milk dries up. What if that’s it? What if this morning was the last time I nurse her. Are we done? Are we finished for good? No one gave me a heads up. Do I get another shot? Another try, another chance. To say goodbye?
When we got home this evening, I took her in my arms brought her to our bedroom and laid here with her. Her mouth closed up, her eyes glazed over by her dreamy heart and her cheek pressed against my chest. Nothing. Not even a squirm, searching for the sweet milk from mama.
Is this really how it ends? Mother Nature finds her way back to you and now your baby’s a toddler??
I did not sign up for this.
Desperate to hold her close, to soak in the closeness and bond one last time, I lay down beside her and wait. Slowly she moves her teeny body towards me, inching closer and starts to nurse.
This is it. This may be my last time with her. I savour every minute, every second.
And as she drifts off, I keep telling myself, five more minutes… just five more minutes…
Stumbling Grace 